Current thoughts on being a father to be. And not being…

So what thoughts do I have about becoming a father. Where to start….

I could always start by fessing up in this admission that this is the first time I have touched this draft in over a month. I think I mentioned somewhere that I am a horribly inconsistent blogger.

I have mixed feelings on several levels about impending fatherhood.
On one hand, I think of what an awful idea to bring more children into an overcrowded world, especially with the direction that many ‘western’ countries are pushing. more for the rich and little to nothing for the masses, along with baseless claims of things like trickle down economics….

Am I over-thinking this?

I also wonder about inserting or exerting my own brand of fucked up onto a child. But then, isn’t that the point?

So these idle thoughts ranged around my mind… This blog became a victim of my own distraction.

Recent events have chased the rest of my thoughts from my mind…

Some 3 weeks ago now, the foetus died. As yet we don’t know why.

3 days after that, my wife gave birth too a dead baby boy.

Events between discovery of the death, and now, 5 days after the memorial, are a blur…. My concentration and ability to focus is, well, shattered.
I’ve been back at work for a week and a half. It keeps me moving.

But the things that stand out for me, are the religious platitudes; I mean really? You think my son is in a better place? What better place is there than with his parents!? Do you think, based on no evidence as this was our first child, that we are so horrible a parental team that he’s better off dead? Fuck you!

God had a plan? If we assume that this god exists, what kind of a vile, evil, sadist barstard would he be, to put my wonderful wife, through a childhood that would have killed, or at least destroyed most, had her make plans for a great life, only to shatter them, have her fight, tooth and nail, to get too a place where one of the few remaining life goals was a possibility, then turn the screws on that to make it seem impossible and out of reach, then put her through a horrendus pregnancy, to within weeks of the birth, then, just after she allows herself to become attached, to kill it.

And you think I should worship this monster? You think I should believe your worship of this monster makes you a ‘better’ person? Or that I should find this ultimate evil torture somehow comforting?

Then, I watch my wife, who has slowly been distancing herself from these supernatural claims, be tortured by the idea of our son’s eternity spent buried, or of him being burned.

I have never heard it said better than by the late, great Christopher Hitchens, “Religion poisons everything!”.

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~ by scawalrus on May 12, 2015.

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